Classic Horrors Club

During the summer of 1983, which I’ve often referred to as the most fun summer of my life, there was a definite bump in the road when I saw Metalstorm: the Destruction of Jared-Syn at the Esquire Theater in Enid, Oklahoma. It was an unforgettable experience… because I’ll never forget how bored I was. I don’t remember if it was projected in its much-hyped 3-D, but watching it now on Blu-ray, it doesn’t seem particularly suited for it anyway. Only one time did something point toward the audience that I could imagine reaching out from the screen.

That seems to describe the entire film; nothing reaches out from it. It’s lifeless and in shorter scenes might have been considered “action-packed.” However, long, repeated shots of our hero, Dogen (Jeffrey Byron), driving his vehicle through the desert with equally repetitive, although rousing, music by Richard Band, exhaust the momentum that could have been obtained with shorter segments. I will admit, though, POV shots in similar scenes of Dogen flying on a “sky bike” are sometimes stunning.

How did I know his flying vehicle was called a “sky bike?” It wasn’t from watching the movie. In fact, if you read anything about the plot, it sounds detailed with a rich tapestry of world building. None of that is expressed through the movie unless I missed it. I didn’t catch the name of the planet (Lemuria); it could just as well have been an apocalyptic Earth of the future. I didn’t know the “nomadic humanoids” Dogen encounters were called “One-Eyes” or that they’re called that because they symbolically gouge out one of their eyes. Heck, I didn’t even know they were “nomadic humanoids;” I thought they were mutants, perhaps on an apocalyptic Earth.

I want the movie you can read about. It explains everything in an exciting way that the movie doesn’t. With the disappearance of the bad guy, Jared-Syn (Michael Preston) at the end, there was potential for a sequel. It didn’t happen, but I’d read a series of novels with this more detailed adventure. You’ll also read about low budget or running out of money. I’m telling you, trim those driving scenes and add some exposition. I wouldn’t think characters talking would add much expense.

Then again, the characters are as dull as the movie. They move as slowly as the film, even in hand-to-hand combat scenes. When you look at Kelly Preston’s (Dyana) bio, you don’t read anything about Metalstorm: the Destruction of Jared-Syn among her credits (which include marrying John Travolta.) It was her second big-screen role and the fact that she overcame it demonstrates there was talent not displayed in her performance. My favorite actor/character was Richard Moll’s Hurok, a One Eye that becomes Dogen’s ally. (He was supposedly hired for Night Court while filming this, which explains why his head was shaved in the series.)

This was Tim Thomerson’s first work with director Charles Band, who, subsequent to this movie started Empire Pictures and then Full Moon Features. Even he gives a flat performance as Rhodes, a poor man’s Han Solo. However, he makes one wisecrack that made me laugh. It was a sudden and scary and short-lived spark of life. All of this said, I wasn’t bored this time around. I recognized the tedium but didn’t fall prey to it. I’d even watch it again, if only to see what I can glean from it now that I’ve read what it was supposed to be.