Classic Horrors Club

I’ve fallen victim to false advertising many times, but no movie in a long while has been as egregious with it as Sweet Sixteen (1983.) However, I don’t blame Century International; they needed some kind of an angle to sell this one. Remove the pretty, underaged (and underdressed) young woman who’s about to turn 16 years old and all you’ve got left is a murder mystery with a thin layer of slasher on top. 

I say only a “layer” of slasher because Sweet Sixteen differs from the subgenre in some significant ways. First, the focus is on the law enforcement agent, Sheriff Dan Burke (Bo Hopkins) trying to solve the mystery and the movie invites us along for his investigation. Also, there’s minimal stalking by the killer, who doesn’t seem to have specific targets. And, there’s no final girl trying to survive and facing the killer in the end.

Most of the drama is within Burke’s family. His two children, Hank (Steve Anton) and Marci (Dana Kimmell) are potential victims and dad wants to protect them. Marci is a mystery novel fan and the movie oddly opens with her nightmare, not that of the girl who’s turning “sweet sixteen” next week. Hank is the closest thing to the all-American boy next door, but I can’t remember a single distinguishing feature about him.

They’re avatars for the audience, tagging along during the investigation, asking their father questions, and sharing their theories. They also serve a purpose for the “loss leader”, Melissa Morgan (Aleisha Shirley.) Marci gives Melissa a piece of her mind, then decides she’s not so tough after all and becomes her best friend. Hank uses his sister’s relationship with Melissa to become her eventual love interest.

After the opening, the focus shifts from Marci to Melissa as she drops her clothes to shower and go skinny dipping at night. Believe me, I’m no prude, but I’m uncomfortable watching someone who’s supposed to be 15 years old, although obviously older, parading across the screen naked. There’s the appeal for a certain audience. I mean, look at the poster! Yes, the film’s conclusion occurs at Melissa’s birthday party, but there’s nothing supernatural about it.

The best thing about Sweet Sixteen is the cast of adults. Susan Strasberg plays Joanne Morgan, Melissa’s mother. Patrick Macnee plays her father, Dr. John Morgan. The family is in town temporarily while John leads an archeological dig at the nearby local Indian burial grounds. What a waste of Indian burial grounds! They serve no other purpose… there’s no local legend or curse, no suburban homes or swimming pools, and no ghosts or creatures. 

Native Americans, though, play a big part. It’s an extremely racist town and its residents blame them for the murders. Dr. John fires one of them, Jason Longshadow (Don Shanks)  from the dig, even though Sheriff Burke has known him for years and attests to his trustworthiness. Then, when Greyfeather (Henry Wilcoxon) is found walking down the alley where a body is found, he’s treated brutally by local thugs.

Back to the cast of other familiar faces… Don Stroud (The Amityville Horror, 1979) plays Billy Franklin, the older brother of the first victim. Sharon Farrell (It’s Alive, 1974) plays Kathy Hopkins, Sheriff Burke’s colleague and potential love interest. Michael Pataki (Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, 1988) plays George Martin, one of the thugs. And Larry Storch from good ol’ F Troop appears in one scene as Earl, the bartender. 

The bad news is that Sweet Sixteen is a mess. The good news is that it’s almost… almost a fun mess. My takeaway is in regards to Patrick Macnee. Close your eyes and you’d swear he was Donald Pleasance. That, of course, makes me think of Halloween. Now that’s a slasher. In only five years the subgenre launched by John Carpenter was reduced to this. Director Jim Sotos will fit better with his next film, the teen sex comedy, Hot Moves (1984.)