Classic Horrors Club

The tagline for Panic on the 5:22 reads, “They can’t let anyone off this train alive!” That’s how I felt watching the movie. It’s dumb, noisy, and annoying. And it arrivesd on the small screen about a month after The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 hit the big screen. Similar story… dissimilar results.

I will geek-out about one thing, though. Dana Elcar plays a banker named Hal Rodgers. Dennis Patrick plays the owner of an expensive violin named Dudley Stevenson. On the original Dark Shadows, Elcar played Sheriff Patterson. In the theatrical movie, House of Dark Shadows, Patrick played Sheriff Patterson.

Their one scene together has little to do with the story, if there is one, but it’s awesome to watch. Of course, I’m not forgetting that Patrick also played Jason McGuire in the original series and probably had scenes with Elcar/Sheriff Patterson. 

In Panic on the 5:22, they are just two of the rich passengers in the club car of a train that, well, leaves Grand Central Station at 5:22. I have no idea where it’s headed; I suppose the well-to-do suburbs. They aren’t despicable characters deserving a horrible fate, but neither are they particularly likable.

We’re introduced to them in quick vignettes labeled, “Monday,” Tuesday,” etc. Considering their fateful adventure doesn’t begin until Friday, it’s a little heavy-handed that each of the characters takes an opportunity to mention, “the train.”

When a liquor store delivery man takes a case of something to the club car one day, he sees dollar signs in front of his eyes and plots a robbery with two of his buddies. Don’t ask me their names or the actors who play them. Once they don their ski masks, they’re interchangeable. I quickly lost track of who was whom, if I ever knew.

When the masks come off, we get to know a little more about them. One is mentally challenged. One is mean and acts without thinking and for no reason. One soon regrets their decision. Of course things go horribly wrong once expensive violins are threatened and guns start firing.

I literally didn’t care about these characters or this movie. Since I do actually try not to completely trash the films we discuss, I should stop typing right now. If you do watch it, just remember the Dark Shadows connections, and as soon as the two Sheriffs Patterson end their conversation, turn it off.